To Learn Wisdom

“Happy is the man that findeth wisdom… [for]… wisdom is the principal thing.”

Just ask my mother.  As a little girl, I was as stubborn as they come.  I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew what I needed to do to get there, and I knew what everyone else’s roles would be in getting me there.  I had my life planned out perfectly.
After graduating from High School, I would certainly not become one of “those girls” who gets married young, has a bunch of babies and throws her life away!  No, I would live a full and rich life.  I would obtain my degree as a Registered Nurse.  I would then work hard to eventually fly with the life-flight team.  I would learn Spanish, travel the world, serve an LDS mission, and a few humanitarian missions.  In short, I would change the world, and then I would look for a husband.

Then I met Darin Paul.
Darin was the personification of the perfect husband I had planned to marry-- in 10 years’ time.  Since falling in love at 18 did not fit into my flawless plan, I strategically kept him at arms distance.  I would not let him kiss me, I made sure he knew that I was “dating” lots of guys, and I certainly did not want to talk about marriage.  I was a freshman in college after all- I had a lot to accomplish!
We played this on-and-off dating game for a year when the spirit began whispering to me that it was time to give it up.  This was the man I was supposed to marry… and NOT in 10 years’ time.  Becoming one of “those girls” was a huge blow to my pride- the first of many yet to come. 

We were married on July 5, 2003.  I was barely 19 years old.  I chose to view this as just a SLIGHT change in my plan.   I could still accomplish all that I wanted, but now I could simply share the adventure with my best friend!   Perfect!

However, just a few months into marriage, the gentle nudging of the spirit returned.  It told me there were babies waiting to come to our home… now.  Again I resisted.  I cried at the thought.  What about my degree?  What about my plans to travel the world?  I could not see how this would all work out for me.

I became a mother when I was just 20 years old.  In one singular day the entire world changed.  For the first time in my life I had to admit that I didn’t know it all. 

Indeed, I was only a baby myself. 

I was scared.  I was ignorant.  I was powerless.  I was starving for mentorship.

My heart was changed, and very suddenly God became my best friend.

Four sleepless years and two babies later, I finished my degree and got a thrilling job as an RN on a trauma floor.  Life was extremely fulfilling for the next couple years as I had what I thought was the perfect balance of work and motherhood.  Yet, just as I was beginning to feel comfortable in my profession, the spirit again whispered to me of a different plan.  There were now three little boys at home, it was time for ME to come home. 

I dug in my heels in protest.  

“No!  I can do this!”  I can mother and work at the same time!  I had plans to excel in my career! 

I tried negotiating with the Lord. 

“I will cut back my hours!  I will work only once a week, or twice a month!”

But the spirit pressed ever lovingly, “Come home”.

Walking away from my dream job was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  After four excruciating years of fighting out school while having babies, I finally had the job!  I was a Registered Nurse!  The day I left the hospital for the last time, I shed many heart-broken tears.  “God I do not understand.  Nothing in life is going as I planned.  Please allow me to see why I must sacrifice so much.  What about me?”

That coming year, my life changed in a big kind of way.  As I decided once again to turn my will over to God, I discovered that my greatest calling truly was motherhood.  I began to experience unspeakable joy in that calling and marveled at the personal growth I was experiencing.  As never before, my heart was humble and teachable.  I turned to God for all my strength and acquired patience, faith, hope, and charity like I had never known before. 

Once more, as I was beginning to feel confident in my abilities as a mother, the spirit began prompting me into an even greater endeavor.  The gentle nudging to homeschool my children had come many times over the past four years, but as always, I had resisted.  I didn’t know the first thing about homeschool, who was I to play with that idea?! 

What about my personal time?  How will I know what they need to learn?  How will I teach four boys of such different ages?  Won’t they be socially awkward?

This time however, when the promptings returned, I was a changed person.  My past experiences had taught me that it really doesn’t matter how much I know, or how much I want it to be some other way.  By following the promptings of the spirit, I could rest assured that I would experience the MOST joy. 

We stepped into homeschool completely blind.  With all the faith I could muster, I pleaded for understanding.  “God-- I am willing.  I will do anything you ask, but you MUST show me the way!”

We marveled as he did just that.  We were led to key people, guided to informative literature, and provided experiences that clearly illuminated the way.

This one decision has brought more peace, fulfillment and purpose to our home than ever before.  The Lord has once again brought our family supernal joy.

This month as I step into my 30^th year, I am looking back at what an incredible journey the last 10 years have been.  My current life does not even slightly resemble my “perfect plan”. 

I was seeking thrill and adventure.  I wanted to experience the world- navigating its darkest canyons and climbing its tallest peaks.  I wanted to heal the sick, and liberate the captive.  I wanted to preach the gospel to all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people.

God had a better plan— for me to learn humility.

In the past 10 years I have been humbled again and again… and again and again.  I look back and am amazed that God has led me to crawl through the darkest canyons of my soul and given me strength to scale my most terrifying mountains.  I marvel that He has used me to heal wounded souls and empowered me to teach my children the pathway to true freedom.  Every single day I am preaching the gospel.

Indeed, I am changing the world.

I now understand that everything I once viewed as a “sacrifice” was in reality simply an invitation to receiving the outpouring of blessings far greater than I could currently comprehend.  Through God’s refining fire, I have found beauty and strength in myself that I never knew existed.  
And so, as I enter the 4^th decade of my life, I proceed with a slightly different plan:

To Learn Wisdom.

Wisdom is becoming one with God.  It is creating a plan that is simply to follow his plan.   Wisdom comes as we seek knowledge, respect our intuition, and follow the light of Christ.   It is trusting in the Lord with all our heart and leaning not on our own understanding.  It is wisdom that will protect us.  It is wisdom that will give us the courage to walk the pathless road. It is wisdom that will bring us a fullness of joy.

Wisdom comes when we understand that "life is a mission, and not a career, and the purpose of all our education and knowledge is so that we can better represent Him and serve that mission of life in His name and toward His purposes.”

As I say goodbye to my 20s and enter the next decade, I do it with reverence.  For it is a holy chapter in the story of my life.  One that taught me that life is not all about me.  One that taught me that God’s plan is always the best plan, and my job is simply to discern what that plan for me is.  In my 20s, I learned that life is not about proving what we are capable of accomplishing, but about showing God that we have learned wisdom.  Indeed, only then can we begin to see who he really wants us to be.  For “wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it”… somehow learning that was not part of my plan.