Full. Real. Unfinished.

Two irrevocable parts of me: MOTHERHOOD and MISSION. Though they argue frequently, I will not let myself believe that they are mutually exclusive. They are not. They cannot be. They’ve both been pieces of me since before I was born. And since I cannot rid myself of either calling, (and believe me, I’ve tried)— I just HAVE to believe that somehow they can co-exist! That one's ability to thrive is not dependent on the other’s demise. This. just. cannot. be. Where is the third alternative? Where is the place where these parts come together and sing? I can visualize it now. MOTHERHOOD. MISSION. ME.

I used to fear God. Like, FEAR God. I used to think that he was constantly watching with an iron fist ready to punish, condemn, test and try me. Sometimes I find myself once again operating my life out of that paradigm, feeling afraid, dark and confused. Sometimes I start to believe that what I desire in life is frivolous to God. and then ... I reflect on every experience-- every personal interaction that I have ever had with God. With Grace. With strength beyond my own. With love that feels sweeter than life. With deliverance from darkness. With tender, sweet, hand-picked experiences sent specifically for me. And it seems- from everything I have ever known- it seems that God cares deeply for me. It seems that he loves me AND my greatest desires. To me, it seems that to God, it all matters. The tiniest wishes and the grandest, highest hopes. From my observation of life, it seems that God's will might just be to encourage me. Literally to FILL ME WITH COURAGE. To ...

January 2019: One of the hardest times of my life.  My level of hope -- largely non-existent.  I remember feeling like everything we knew as normal, everything we were as people, had gone away.   Our new reality-- only bleak. October 2019: Enter hope.   Attending a women's conference, one of the speakers pulled me backstage to discuss in depth some spiritual questions I had posed.  There he counseled and advised me to go after my dreams (something I've always wrestled with since I became a mother).  I walked away from that conversation, left the conference room and immediately called my husband.  I remember heavy, waterfall tears pouring down my face. Hope. When I ponder on that moment, nothing had changed.  Our situation still bleak financially, struggling spiritually, suffocating professionally, and our marriage wearing thin.  Nothing had changed except hope that things would change.   Hope that what I saw with my eyes was not in fact ...

For 18 years they consume every thought. Everything you do is for their good, every decision made with them in mind. It's like nothing you've done before. This requires all the energy of your heart, mind and soul. So much of the process goes unseen, thousands of private moments where you made the decision to BUILD. Wanting (more than anything) for those wings to grow strong and resilient, feather by feather you stand and witness as it takes place. So many of those feathers are constructed of confidence imbued by YOU. Then it happens. Just as you've envisioned for nearly two decades, they step to the edge of the nest with those big powerful wings, and they go. Excited, hopeful, happy. The world is all theirs. You realize then that although they are your world, you are not THEIR world. For a minute, pain washes over your heart and you hope you're not really as alone as you feel. Their world looks completely different than yours. This is the beginning to them, ...

“I don’t know how you do it.”  I hear this statement (question?) from women all the time.   What I hear them asking is, “how do you live with so much peace and calm and joy?”  ( while a full-time homeschool mom to five kids, wife of an ambitious entrepreneur, working as a nurse and youth leader and all the other things ).   “How do you find time for yourself?” After thinking about this question for years on end, I have finally got an answer.  The answer to how I take care of myself as a woman is easy:  I meditate and pray.  I assign my youngest out to the care of others so that I can exercise alone.  I pursue topics that fascinate me.  I set goals for myself and enjoy the challenge of achieving them.  I think back to what I did for fun when I was single, and I DO IT! But there is a real problem here : that answer doesn’t solve the dilemma for anybody.   Women, both with and without children, are still perplexed (and sometimes...

Indescribable sorrow Brave offerings Swelling gratitude Unspeakable love Paralyzing fear Trails of sadness All-knowing pride Breath-taking joy HOW do you hold it all?

There's no one to be seen.  Just me, God, the trees and the rain.  In the solace, the world is mine.  The water forms a smooth river down my face and I push, push, push; reaching for Her. I'm shedding as I run. Worry Fear Stress Anger They can't keep up the pace. The river continues from my face, down my back.  Tears join the river and wash out my eyes, baptizing me.  In my shoes I hear sloshing and know it's a true submission. Take me, Rain.  Take me and wring out everything I've accumulated. Cleanse.  Slosh. Cleanse.  Slosh. God holds space in this struggle.  It's a washing and anointing.   And when the ritual is complete, the only thing left is Me.