Skip to main content

To Fill Me with Courage

I used to fear God. Like, FEAR God. I used to think that he was constantly watching with an iron fist ready to punish, condemn, test and try me.

Sometimes I find myself once again operating my life out of that paradigm, feeling afraid, dark and confused. Sometimes I start to believe that what I desire in life is frivolous to God.
and then...
I reflect on every experience-- every personal interaction that I have ever had with God. With Grace. With strength beyond my own. With love that feels sweeter than life. With deliverance from darkness. With tender, sweet, hand-picked experiences sent specifically for me. And it seems- from everything I have ever known- it seems that God cares deeply for me. It seems that he loves me AND my greatest desires. To me, it seems that to God, it all matters. The tiniest wishes and the grandest, highest hopes. From my observation of life, it seems that God's will might just be to encourage me. Literally to FILL ME WITH COURAGE. To guide. To delight. To remind. To sustain. It seems to me that he might just be an infinitely present parent.
All-knowing.
All-encompassing.
With all of my best interests at heart.
God may be that to me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is it all For? (our musical journey)

In the nine years since I became a mother, I have often pondered the purpose of music in our mortal experience. In observing each of my children, it was apparent within the first few weeks of life that each newborn understood the language of music. Music calms and soothes them. Music enlivens and liberates them. Children and adults of all ages naturally connect with music, and express themselves through it.  We are all excited, liberated, and calmed by it. As a preschooler, Holden was especially drawn to musical notes, and began composing original melodies at three years old. When he was four years old he begged me to teach him how to play the piano. We began the beginner books together, and he LOVED it! As his abilities grew and his love for the instrument blossomed, and I began feeling pressure to find him a "real" teacher. After a highly recommended referral, we hired a young college student who was studying music at the university to come to our house once a week to t...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Loss Is Not So Great

It is better as it is: I have failed but I can sleep; Though the pit I now am in is very dark and deep I can walk tomorrow's streets and can meet tomorrow's men Unashamed to face their gaze as I go to work again. I have lost the hope I had; in the dust are all my dreams, But my loss is not so great or so dreadful as it seems; I made my fight and though I failed I need not slink away For I do not have to fear what another man may say. They may call me over-bold, they may say that I was frail; They may tell I dared too much and was doomed at last to fail; They may talk my battle o'er and discuss it as they choose, But I did no brother wrong-- I'm the only one to lose. It is better as it is: I have kept my self-respect. I can walk tomorrow's streets meeting all men head erect. No man can charge his loss to a pledge I did not keep; I have no shame to regret: I have failed, but I can sleep. -Edgar A. Guest "The Loss Is Not So Great" When Day Is Done
Post a Comment
Read more

She Who Walks Down My Street

From the place where I'm sitting, I hear her cane thumping long before she's in sight. I'm feeling busied, hurried, tired from many commitments in my day. I've sat down to rest but the sitting-still makes me feel antsy. I wish there were someone to sit-still with. I feel flustered about my kids being on their phones; so I pick up my phone and begin to scroll. I feel lonely, I feel mad. I wonder if I have the right to blame anyone but me. And then I hear the thumping. Thump, step, step. Thump, step, step. I instinctively lay my phone down as a salute of respect. She's walking. Just. Walking. She's not texting five people, watching a webinar, stressing about her teens on their phones, rotating laundry, feeling lost about running an organization, planning grocery lists for birthdays and campouts or endlessly wrestling with the state of her marriage. She's just walking. Thump, step, step. Thump, step, step. I can feel my breath moving in and out. My hands now em...
Post a Comment
Read more