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Breathing Through Transition

Dear Future Me,

I don't know how it will look.

I'm giving everything to make this work with Darin, and its 100% worth it if we can figure it out. I'd give anything, I'm giving everything-

To be married to someone who makes it clear to me that I matter. To be married to someone who wants to reach for the best that life has to offer. Who wants to work to become more for himself and help create an environment where our kids can too. Who wants to work on our relationship.

I'd give anything to feel united and supported.

To feel like I don't need to go it alone because there's someone there next to me. Not behind me, but next to me. Walking at his own rhythm and not pulling me back because of it.

Is it a dream that's unattainable?

It feels so close. Like I could just simply reach out and touch it.

But then like a mirage, it disappears. Now it's out of reach.

I succumb to my reality of feeling like I'm going it alone. Married, but alone. Unsupported. Invalidated. Uncared for. 

And suddenly I feel like I'm suffocating.

I can't do marriage like that anymore. In that place, the weight of the world is constantly on me. I persistently feel like I can't let down my guard or everyone will suffer. I feel pissed that I'm alone. I feel scared of what's going to happen when I let go.

I feel resigned.

My efforts at mutual work and progress feel completely unreciprocated. The pain of that is too big so I resign. I turn in my papers. I bow out. 

Future Me, what does it look like in the end?

Am I causing more pain by chasing the mirage? Or is the hanging on to hope what will save us after all? Where is the wisdom I need to breathe through this transition?

Holding on to hope that I won't be alone forever, I'll try to let go of details of how this will be true. I'm trying really really hard to believe it will be true.

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