Full. Real. Unfinished.

She just left my house I am frozen Unable to engage in anything Mists of darkness cloud my mind Plastic surgery Liposuction Secrecy She is a victim If only she were thin Happiness she has waited 18 years for "Beautiful" women Deception Darkness I am sitting here, still Tears keep threatening My spirit speaks to me Quiet.  I must listen.

I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have the unusual hobby of being a doula and birth assistant in people's homes.  This means that I have the privilege of sharing in families most intimate spaces. This morning I arrived before dawn.  Quietly sitting in the dimly-lit living room, I hear the sweet whimper of a two-year-old baby girl.  Her dad enters her room, but she cries that she just wants mommy.  "Mommy is busy.  Mommy is having a baby today!"  Immediately her crying stops.  As they commune in the dark, she soaks it all in.  "You are going to be a big sister!  Isn't that so exciting?!"  Still silent, I am sure she understands. A few minutes later, I see the ruffled hair of a four-year-old boy emerge from the hall.  He smiles, introduces me to his toy truck and informs me that he gets to spend the day with "Mimi".  Breakfast is eaten, bags are packed and the chil...

In the nine years since I became a mother, I have often pondered the purpose of music in our mortal experience. In observing each of my children, it was apparent within the first few weeks of life that each newborn understood the language of music. Music calms and soothes them. Music enlivens and liberates them. Children and adults of all ages naturally connect with music, and express themselves through it.  We are all excited, liberated, and calmed by it. As a preschooler, Holden was especially drawn to musical notes, and began composing original melodies at three years old. When he was four years old he begged me to teach him how to play the piano. We began the beginner books together, and he LOVED it! As his abilities grew and his love for the instrument blossomed, and I began feeling pressure to find him a "real" teacher. After a highly recommended referral, we hired a young college student who was studying music at the university to come to our house once a week to t...

I never could have predicted how I would feel at the end of this marathon training. My heart is full of gratitude as I attempt to savor these last two days.  I am surprised at how much it feels like coming to the end of pregnancy. When it really comes down to the end, you start to realize what a privilege it has been. You reminisce about all the extremely difficult times, and also the overwhelmingly joyful ones.  It is a surreal feeling as you know in a matter of days it will all be over.  All those months of hard work and all those years of dreaming-- will be crowning in achievement, and then over in a few short days. There is a tinge of sadness, almost like parting from an old friend.  One who walked with you as you became someone new. You wonder what adventures life holds for you after the labor is through. There is a sense of humility and longing for peace as you know that the last piece of the process is the most difficult yet.  You have never run th...

“Happy is the man that findeth wisdom… [for]… wisdom is the principal thing.” Just ask my mother.  As a little girl, I was as stubborn as they come.  I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew what I needed to do to get there, and I knew what everyone else’s roles would be in getting me there.  I had my life planned out perfectly. After graduating from High School, I would certainly not become one of “those girls” who gets married young, has a bunch of babies and throws her life away!  No, I would live a full and rich life.  I would obtain my degree as a Registered Nurse.  I would then work hard to eventually fly with the life-flight team.  I would learn Spanish, travel the world, serve an LDS mission, and a few humanitarian missions.  In short, I would change the world, and then I would look for a husband. Then I met Darin Paul. Darin was the personification of the perfect husband I had planned to marry-- in 10 years’ time.  Since fal...